NEWPORT — With Newport’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade approaching, the Police Department announced a new “Pre-Paid DUI Package” designed to streamline the inevitable surge in impaired-driving arrests over the coming weekend.
Under the program, drivers can pre-purchase a discounted DUI conviction for 30 percent off standard-rate fines and fees, including bail, allowing law enforcement to process arrests more efficiently during peak hours.
Police say the package includes expedited breathalyzer testing, pre-filled paperwork, a reserved mugshot slot, and a commemorative T-shirt made of 100% cotton. “It’s great for soaking up tears of regret,” according to one officer.
“To be realistic, a certain number of people are going to make poor decisions,” said department spokesperson Lt. Kevin “Kev” Rodrigo Siracusa. “This allows everyone to plan ahead and frees up officers to deal with other situations, such as rowdy firefighters from Worcester.”
In a striking innovation, the department has hired local theater actors to portray disappointed relatives and friends during the bail-out process.
“We’re going to be processing a lot of violators,” Siracusa said. “We don’t have time for everyone’s wife or boyfriend or cousin or whoever to get out of bed and come put up bail. We’ve been having rehearsals all week, and they are very convincing. And, if anyone is interested, one of them does a great Christopher Walken.”
Drivers are encouraged to submit a list of past failings in advance so the actor can deliver customized remarks.
In keeping with the spirit of the holiday, a bagpiper will be stationed outside the holding cells throughout the evening, performing traditional Irish laments as detainees await processing.
Town leaders defended the initiative as a pragmatic response to predictable behavior during the island’s largest drinking holiday.
“We’ve tried warnings, public service announcements, and ride-share discounts,” said one official. “At a certain point, you have to meet people where they are.”
As of press time, several prospective customers had reportedly asked whether an additional discounted DUI could be purchased for 4th of July weekend.